My Humorous Stories
by SecretEyes
Summary: Here's a collection of my stories in play-like format. My attempt at humor. Hope everyone enjoys it. I know I had fun writing these.
1. Love, Bland, and Blandishment

**Love, Bland, and Blandishment**

**(narrator) Dracula:** We all know how vampires are. They die in the sunlight and by any pointy object driven through the heart. Not all of these apply to other vampires. Why can't the younger versions go along the same story line?

**Spike:** (Walks in, both former soul mates tagging along at both of his sides) Because we're bloody hell immortal, buddy. Being shot by bloody hell silver bullets shouldn't kill us.

**Harmony:** Spikie, calm down.

**Dru:** Yes.

(Darla and Angel walk in, followed by the crew, excluding the former Queen C and her ex)

**Darla:** I think we're perfect just the way we are.

**Dracula:** Perfect? Ha! That's a good one.

**Angel:** We're not all perfect, Darla. All vampires have killed people. I get tortured by the memory of all the people i've killed.

**Darla: **If only you were the soulless monster you used to be.

**Buffy:** Stop torturing him or I WILL kill you again.

**Darla:** Angel killed me the first time around. Not you, Slayer.

**Faith:** We'll still kill you.

**Kendra:** Yes. We kill you.

**Doyle:** Can we all calm down a no'ch?

**Willow:** Can we chill out?

**Tara:** P-please, guys?

**Giles:** I,uh,think we're getting, uh, out of control here.

**Anya:** Where's my honey at?

**Spike:** Probably bloody hell screwing the Queen.

**Anya:** He better not be.

**Dracula:** Okay. All of you younger versions of me, get lost. Witches, go home. Slayers, I don't know what's going on with you, but get out of here and go patrol. Watcher, go to the library and read.

(They leave as Dracula says, "Screw y'all!")

(Anya, Doyle, and Connor are the only ones left)

(Joyce, Cordy, and Xander walk in)

**Joyce:** What are we doing today?

**Anya:** Making fun of vampires.

**Joyce: **In that case, i'm out of here.

(Joyce leaves)

**Anya:** I knew it! You and Cordelia were screwing each other!

**Xander:** Calm down.

**Cordelia:** You know she's right.

**Xander:** I know.

**Dracula:** Drama much. Simmer down, Anyaka. If you want, i'll screw you.

**Anya:** Really? When?

**Dracula:** After the show.

**Anya:** How about now?

**Dracula:** Great.

(Anya and Dracula walk out.)

(Cordy and Xander are left.)

**Xander:** I love you so much, Cor. You know that, right?

**Cordelia:** Of course, Xan.

**Xander:** Well, Dracula is right folks. Screw the vampires. They suck.

**Cordelia:** Shut up and kiss me already.

(Cordy and Xander start kissing)

(Camera turns off)


	2. Clan Life

Warriors cats: Clan Life

The three present leaders sat on a blue couch. They were on a set in a studio.

**Firestar:** Is the camera rolling?

**One-star:** Of course, mouse brain.

**Squirrelflight:** (walks in) Oh no you didn't! You did not just call my daddy a mouse brain.

**Blackstar:** Who in Starclan's name let her in?

**One-star:** Oh yes I did young warrior.

**Firestar:** I don't know.

(All cats from all four clans walk in)

**Sasha:** (steps forward) I did.

**Tigerstar:** Sasha, we do not bring kittypet bloodlines into this studio.

**Sasha:** Keep your fur on.

**Blackstar:** Can we get back on topic?

**Tigerstar:** What topic?

**Blackstar:** Being in a Clan.

**Tigerstar:** Clans were a mouse brained idea; a waste of time. Being a rogue or loner is more glorious. No rules. You can do, say, and go wherever you want. It's the life. It's freedom.

**Longtail:** That's what you say.

**Blackstar:** Is being a rogue what made you so intimidatingly, unstoppable, crazily evil, and a maniac?

**Tigerstar:** Why you no good, rotten flea fur ball! (claws come out)

**Jayfeather:** In Starclan's name, shut up, TigerStar.

**Tigerstar:** What's the matter? Can't face your origin little kittypet?

**Lionblaze:** Shut up before I make you.

**Crowfeather:** Have you forgotten that he's dead? You can't physically fight a ghost.

**Firestar:** We're all aware of that, but thank you anyway, Crowfeather.

**Crowfeather:** You're welcome, Firestar.

**Graystripe:** I think we should try this tomorrow. We're not getting anywhere.

**Leafstar:** Agreed.

(Camera turns off)

(Second day, second attempt)

**Leafstar:** Okay. The camera is rolling. Where's Firestar and One-star at?

**Blackstar:** I don't know. I think FireStar was going to pick up his sister. Who in Starclan's name knows what One-star is up to.

**Leafstar:** I guess we'll start then.

**Blackstar:** Without them? Isn't that like starting without them at a Gathering?

**Leafstar:** Not really.

**Blackstar:** Hi viewers. My name is Blackstar. I'm the leader of Shadowclan.

**Leafstar:** My name is Leafstar. i'm the leader of the newly restored Skyclan. We live in a gorge instead of the forest.

**Blackstar:** It's not always easy in a clan. There are fight and battles between clans. But during green leaf and peace, everything is well and plentiful. During leaf fall, it's hard to find prey and stay fit. The river and lake freezes up, so RiverClan doesn't have any fish to eat. They have to live on land prey. Most land prey hibernate in their dens until leaf fall ends. Every full moon, when Silverpelt shines the brightest, all of our clans gather. The leaders talk about as much as they want about what's going on. It's our onetime of actual peace. Sometimes, cats even cross other clan borders without permission.

**Leafstar:** We normally have the same thing in the gorge and around it. Cats try to cross the boundaries away from where no man's land is. But we don't have another clan to worry about. It's always kittypets, rogues, or loners.

(Firestar and One-star walk in. One-star has a black hat on. Firestar is wearing a black leather jacket, a white shirt, and blue shorts with white socks)

**Bluestar:** What in Starclan's name are you two wearing? Especially you, Firestar.

**Firestar:** It was the sale at JC Penny's. Sorry i'm late. I just had to buy these. They were 50% off. I couldn't beat it.

**Leafstar:** I think you both are adorable. I just might go buy my own after this.

**Blackstar:** Seriously? What's up with you guys and shopping? We're warrior cats. Leaders. We don't shop.

**One-star:** Do I look handsome in this?

**Leafstar:** You do indeed.

**One-star: **Thanks, Leafstar.

**Leafstar:** My pleasure.

**Firestar:** Blackstar, I wouldn't talk like that about shopping. I remember reading a fanfic about you buying a leather jacket. It was hilarious!

**Blackstar:** Yes. I bought a leather jacket. I had to throw it away, though. I never took it off and I got grass and mud stains all over it.

**Firestar:** See? Don't be telling cats off about shopping. So, One-star, what's your excuse?

**One-Star:** I had an appointment.

**Blackstar:** What appointment? The hat appointment? (Laughs.)

**One-star:** No. Not with the hat. It was with Dr. Cur. I have a tail twitching problem, but i'm taking some special medicine for it.

**Blackstar:** You're a twitcher? (laughs) Good one.

**Leafstar:** (smacks Blackstar across the face with a paw lightly.) Be nice.

**Blackstar:** Sorry guys.

(Firestar's cell phone rings.)

**Firestar:** (takes iPhone out) I'm sorry. I have to take this. Family. (puts it on speaker) What's up, Sandstorm?

**Sandstorm: ** What's up is that Leafpool, Cloudtail, Brightheart, Briarlight, Squirrelflight, Jayfeather, Lionblaze, Crowfeather, Breezepelt, and I are at K-Mart. When we get back, you better have our den cleaned up!"

**Firestar:** Yes dear.

**Sandstorm:** So hurry up!

**Firestar:** I promise, Sandy Tanny. I love you.

**Sandstorm:** Thank you, Firestar. Love you, too.

(They hang up)

**Leafstar: **Mate issues?

**Firestar:** Yeah. I think she got crankier in her old age. Like Frostfur did.

**Blackstar:** I can see the resemblance.

**Leafstar:** I think you need a nickname, Firestar. How about Fiery Fire?

(All of them laugh)

(camera turns off)


End file.
